Where to begin

So we know we are moving and have to downsize, so we have a big garage sale. A big part of the stuff we got rid of was all the baby gear. Swing, bouncer, packnplay, high chair. Sold.

Seriously, like 2 weeks or less later, we discover that I'm preganant. HA! God sure has a sense of humor. We weren't planning, trying, or anticipating this happening. I'm convinced God wants this baby here since we sure weren't planning for it. Doctors tell me the due date is December 9. It all fits so well. We seem to get pregnant only in March, during a move, around St. Pat's.

It starts to sink in. We'll be having a third! I start to overcome the shock and the worry about the work of a newborn. I'm looking through stores at baby gear--have to replace a few things--scouring baby name books. I buy a few clothes on sale even though I don't need them yet. We had cleared out all the maternity clothes, too.

We decide to have shirts made up to announce the news. I get athletic style t's with "Nana" and "Papa" and a big number "8" since this will be grandkid #8. We get some for Sean's parents, too. We decide to send them as Mother's Day presents just for a more special day.

And then Friday...

I woke up with some spotting. Had a lot planned for that day, tho, so went about my errands. Nathan and I were at the mall looking for some new shoes for Abby. We take a bathroom break.

I call Sean and ask him to come home from work. There's too much blood.

Nathan and I go to the ER. Things move agonizingly slow. Sean arrives and takes Nathan home.

Initial exam is mixed. Yeah, there's blood, but the cervix is still closed, so perhaps baby is protected. They have to do an ultrasound. That involved a catheter to fill the bladder. That was no fun.

Ultrasound find no signs of the baby. No speck, no dot, no heartbeat.

I get sent home.

Saturday we went to the zoo. I'm still bleeding and cramping. Maybe it'll be ok. God wants this baby here. There is still time for a miracle. I watch the parade of strollers and other babies that are everywhere you look at the zoo. I hear other mommies yelling with mean tones at their babies to sit down or be still and I just want to smack them. Then I want to cry that these gifts are given to mean people, and yet, I don't think I'm mean to my kids, and my gift is being taken away.

Sunday after my breakfast in bed and presents from Abby and Sean, I go to church. Maybe if I go talk to God in person, he'll relent and stop the bleeding. It is a mother's day sermon. I can't sing along or I will not be able to stop sobbing. When it is over, I hole up in a bathroom stall and try to cry without anyone noticing. Too many people start waiting for a stall, so I dry it up as best I can and go out to cry in my car.

The cramping is so bad. Sometime that afternoon, something passes into the toilet. I couldn't really see it for all the blood. I don't understand. 9 is supposed to be my lucky number. The baby was due on the 9th of December. I was 9 weeks along. And it left me on May 9th. It seems especially cruel to have a miscarriage on Mother's Day.

So...now what. I don't know how to deal with this. A baby I didn't know I wanted is no longer coming. And I'm heartbroken. And I don't understand.