Deep ressed

I really think I hate eye doctors. Yeah. Hate. Especially so called "Pediatric Opthalmology Specialists" who have no apparent specialness nor pedia-tricks. An open hint to all opthalmologists out there...if you are claiming to be a pediatric specialist just to be able to charge more money, shame on you. There are some kids out there that really need more than that.

So today was a bad day. This is one of those days that makes you feel like the world is pushing you down and if you relax enough to breathe, you will be crushed under the weight of it all. Today, I feel ready to throw in the towel and just quit. I know I've heard that God only gives you what you can handle, but enough already.

And I mentally understand that there are so many other things that are so much worse. I understand that in comparison with innumerable things, we are very very lucky and blessed. But in my own human selfishness, I feel like it is just not fair and why did it have to happen to us? I feel guilty that my kids have to deal with this because of me.

Nathan has my eyes. And Abby is darn near blind in one eye and we have to patch her in hopes that it will come back online. And I remember patching and feeling like I was some sort of mutant that everybody stared at and like there was something fundamentally wrong with me just for breathing. I hate this. I hate that she might ever have to feel something like that.

And every #$@% doctor we see keeps insisting that there must be some other syndrome with other various horrors that is causing it. Stop. We are healthy. Don't torture my kids with tests they don't need.

And Sean isn't even here to run interference so that I can curl up in bed and mourn the hope I had for normally-sighted kids.